Feedback models: When you did X, I felt Y

Let X=X.
[De divina proportione via wikimedia]

Another classic SP feedback technique is offering your comments in this format: "When you did X, I felt Y." For example: "When you moved my arm out of your way without saying anything, I felt vulnerable and helpless."

This is the only SP technique I've ever attended a (brief) training on. I know a lot of people hate it because it seems forced and routinized. I resisted it at the beginning, too. But with practice, it's become very natural to me, and now I find it to be one of my most important feedback tools. Here's why:

• I value it for the way it really forces me to truly examine what I felt and why I felt it. It's an excellent tool for self-awareness. The more I know about what makes me comfortable or anxious, the better feedback I can give students.

• Because it focuses on my emotions and observable behavior, rather than the student's motive, it's much harder for a student to argue or dismiss my feedback. This reason alone makes it worth becoming comfortable with the X/Y technique. It keeps the discussion patient-centered.

• I love how it expands my range of expression and allows for more nuanced feedback. Otherwise a lot of feedback is often binary: either good or bad.

• It works for positive and negative feedback equally well. When I tell a student something s/he did made me feel safe and supported, I can visibly see the relief on the student's face. A concrete expression of something that worked well for a patient is as valuable as a comment about something that could be improved.

• It's individual to the SP: different SPs often interpret the same behavior different ways, but express it the same way: "I liked it" or "I didn't like it." Using the X/Y format gives students more information about how their actions are being perceived, which makes the full range of patient reactions more visible.

Though I didn't learn it this way, I also often add: "If you had done A, I would have felt B" like so: "If you had asked me to move my arm, I would have felt like I had some control in a vulnerable situation." This gives students a concrete way to adjust their behavior in response, which I think is critical for good feedback.

However, it can be easy to slip into blame or projection, twisting the format into "When you did X, I felt you were being Y." For instance: "When you asked me the same question again, I felt you weren't listening to me." Assigning motive to a student often leads to a more defensive reaction. Better: "When you asked me the same question again, I felt unheard." When I want to comment on motive, I find it more effective to ask about it directly: "Why did you ask me the same question again?" After the student answers, I can almost always use the agreement technique to redirect and align our goals together without defensiveness.

Homework:
To help me practice this technique in the beginning, I created my own list of Y emotions. I also added a Z category when I needed to shape the conversation around my general values as a patient. I don't use it much anymore, but whenever I work at a new school/event I review it since something unexpected is likely to come up.

Extra credit:
Discovering the concept of non-violent communication a couple of years ago really went a long way towards helping develop the X/Y feedback skill and giving better feedback in general. I really like how it centers itself around empathy. I'm not 100% sold on the whole system, but as a feedback lens I have found it to be very useful.